I’m not going to lie. I feel horrible and have for a few days. I’ve had a headache, been tired, felt like there are 50# weights on my shoulders and just want to curl up on my couch and watch movies. Which frankly, is what I’ve been doing other than a little homework and work on my independent study. Oh, and I’ve eaten. That is important.
As a blogger, your life can get pretty transparent depending on how much you share. Sometimes you can build friendships through email, keep up with each other on a blog for months before you ever meet.
As an advocate for body image and at times, eating disorders, not only is your life or story transparent, but some people can get caught up in trying to be the “perfect” advocate which can do more harm than good. You think that because you’re healthy and strong again, you have to be healthy and strong all the time. But that can’t be true all the time because let’s face it, we all have bad days.
I’ll even tell you a secret here too. I may be a blogger and I may be an advocate, but I’m far from perfect. Even I have bad days and that’s ok. Monday was actually one of them. Not only did I not feel well, but my equilibrium was off and I was very anxious. Finally after staying in my pjs all day, I ventured out to Whole Foods to get around round of food before getting caught inside for another round of snow that’s raging right now as I type.
Luckily it didn’t take long, but what happened next made me realize 1. how far I’ve come, 2. bad days happen and 3. respecting yourself does your body a whole lot of good in a bad situation. I had been wanting to make this chili dip that my mom used to make for neighborhood parties. It’s a layer of no bean chili, a layer of cream cheese and then topped with a mexican cheese blend. No, it’s not low fat or even remotely vegan, but with Fritos, it’s wonderful.
So on Monday night after I went to the store, I had all the things I needed to make this dip and that’s just what I did. It came out of the oven all warm, bubbly and smelling delicious, but just as I was about to put a chip in, I realized something- I didn’t want it. The last time I had it I just purged because it was too much for me to handle and while I can handle food situations now and am healthy, I also know what I want in my body and what I don’t. I didn’t want this. Five minutes after I took it out of the oven, I dumped it. Yes, it was a waste of money, but it was the best waste of money since even though I wasn’t feeling well and anxious, I continued to take care of MYSELF.
It’s taken me almost 2 solid years of no bad behaviors, but taking care of myself is actually getting easier everyday. I’ve started listening to what my body wants and respecting it. I can describe my emotions with words and not hurt myself in return. Oh, and I’m a friend to myself which is so very important. We live in a culture and society where women either tear others down to make themselves feel better or treat themselves horribly which they’d never do to a friend. I was the latter. I’d be mean to myself, destroy myself all because I wanted control, but nothing I ever said or do to myself would be something I’d want a friend to do to herself. Double standard? Yup!
Be a friend to yourself. Love yourself. Love your body and if you take care of it, it’ll take care of you! 🙂
What do you do to take care of yourself?
After I realized what I needed was just plain rest, that’s what I did. I pushed it a little bit yesterday by going to yoga for my anxiety, but since then, it’s again been all about a good movie, good movies and my sweats. 🙂